It is Time to Build New Tables: How Exclusion Can Lead to New Community
It is Time to Build New Tables: How Exclusion Can Lead to New Community
Thanks for dropping in for a visit! It has been a while since we last chatted. Grab your hot mug of something and take a few moments to sit with me. Some weeks require a bit more thought when preparing to chat – this week was one of them. Sometimes you can feel like you’ve said everything already and there is nothing left to chat about. But then, as you sit quietly and reflect, something comes to you, and you think, “we really should talk about that together!” and a new blog is born. This week’s topic is: It is Time to Build New Tables: How Exclusion Can Lead to New Community.
Quotes That Catch Your Eye
I was reading my journal from the beginning of 2019 and I came across this quote that I first encountered on Jan 2.
“2018 taught me to stop aspiring to sit at tables where I have to bring my own chair, squeeze in between folks, and repeatedly convince others why I should be there. I learned to build a new table. I hope you learned the same.” Lisa Bevere.
Experiences Summed Up
We all have experienced times in our life that can be summed up quite neatly with this quote. Sometimes we do not have the words to capture the experience, but then someone else comes along and presents it in a way that makes perfect sense to us. These are important moments because they help to validate our experience and give us a starting point for our next move.
Exclusion At The Table
In our years to date, I think it is safe to say that the majority of us have experienced exclusion at some table. We are all unique individuals. For many of us, however, it takes many years for us to understand and celebrate our uniqueness. Because of that, we often spend much time trying to find a table that we fit at. Sort of like the fairy tale of Goldilocks and the three bears. When Goldilocks entered the home of the three bears, she spent a lot of time “trying out tables”. She tried 3 chairs, 3 bowls of porridge and finally 3 beds – too hot and too cold, too large and too small and too hard and too soft –until, each time, she found the one that was “just right” for her.
Bring Your Own Chair
As part of the maturing process, throughout our lives we find ourselves trying out different tables. I fear, however, that for many of us, because we haven’t yet become comfortable with who we are, we tend to try and place that chair at many tables that are not even suitable for us to be sitting at. Because we are eager to fit in, even though we see that there is no chair at that table for us, we carry out own chair, hoping to be offered a spot.
Squeeze In If You Can Find Room
Others see that we are carrying our own chair so out of some sort of concern for us, even though they know they haven’t set a place for us at that table, they may call out “squeeze in if you can find room.” So we do so and for a time we have some sense of belonging. Unfortunately, because there was really no room at that table for us, we start to feel the squeeze. At first it is easy to ignore. But over time, the space allotted for us begins to feel constrictive and overtime, like Goldilocks, we admit, this space is “just too small” and we are forced to move on.
I Belong Here
Sometimes we persevere at the table, despite the squeeze. We may have convinced ourselves that we only need a little room or that we aren’t really “that” uncomfortable. And so, we stay seated, on the chair we brought ourselves, in a space that is too small for us. Because of our discomfort, at that point, we will often begin to feel the need to try and defend to others that we actually belong at this particular table. Unfortunately, the more we defend, the more out of place we feel.
And The Cycle Continues
So, eventually, we will take our chair and move on. Depending on what lessons we learned at this table, about ourselves and about others, we very well may take our chair and search out another table. Again, if we find a table that wasn’t set for us and we squeeze in, over time we will once again find ourselves defending our spot at the table. In my own experience and in the experience of many I have spoken to, this can become a cyclical event. Having said that, hopefully, each time this happens, if we are open to learning the lessons, we are less likely to stay as long at the next table.
What Does Your Table Look Like?
What has been your experience with tables? What tables are you sitting at right now? Did you have to bring your own chair? How is the space fitting you? Are your contributions at the table readily recognized and acknowledged, or are you defending your space?
When you stop and think about it, do you see this pattern in your life? Even more important, do you see growth from one experience to the next? Maybe you are not carrying your chair around now, but are still squeezing into tight spots. Perhaps you are past that and have a seat at a table with lots of room, but you have sat there longer than you should, once you recognized that your voice hasn’t been valued at that table and you have spent too much time and energy defending your spot. Or perhaps you are at the point where you are confidently sitting at a table, on a chair with your name on it; a place where you know you fit.
Cycle Of Table-Hopping
We may fit better at some tables rather than others. We may learn more lessons from our time as some tables rather than others. Sometimes tables are for a season or a particular reason. The key to tables is knowing when to sit, knowing when to stay and knowing when to leave.
Some of this cycle of moving from table to table is part of our growing and maturing process; how we learn about who we are and where we fit. Some of us, however, can get stuck in this cycle of table-hopping; never really finding that table that we feel “fits just right.”
Building New Tables
When I read Lisa Bevere’s quote the first time I was struck by this line: “I learned to build a new table.” My first reaction was “what a novel thought”, “you mean that I don’t have to sit at the tables of others”, “you mean I can be the one building the table?” It was like an entire mind-shift for me.
2019
I learned a number of things in 2019
1) I table-hop because I don’t fully appreciate who I am and what I bring to the table
2) I am unique
3) Being unique is ok
4) I want to know more clearly who I am
5) I want to be much more confident in what I bring to the table
6) I don’t particularly care for carrying a chair around, trying to squeeze in where I don’t fit and staying where I need to defend my presence
7) I can break the cycle of table-hopping, by recognizing who I am and what I bring to the table, being honest about that and by beginning to build my own tables
8) I can encourage others to be more confident in who they are and what they bring to the table
9) I can seek out like-minded and like focused individuals and invite them to my tables
10) In doing so, I can encourage community
Tables And Community
I am a Cape Bretoner. When I think of community, I think of a big round kitchen table with lots of chairs, a pot of strong tea, good conversations and lots of laughs. I see people of every age and from every background, gathered together, all with their unique selves and opinions. And I can see that even when our uniqueness shines through and our opinions differ, that everyone at the table is respectful and appreciates the contributions of those around the table. This is community. This is the kind of table I grew up at and this is the kind of table I want to sit at.
In my own experience, exclusion from some tables has encouraged me to build new community because it has forced me to reconsider my own mindset. There are some tables I was never meant to sit at and stayed far too long because of my own insecurities.
So, in 2019, I have decided to stop waiting for others to build this type of table and invite me to sit. Rather, I have decided to begin building this table and inviting others to come and sit with me.
What lessons have you learned at the tables you have been sitting at? Are you ready to stop table-hopping and begin to build your own tables?
There Is Strength In Numbers
What does your ideal table look like? We all have different needs and interests and contributions to make. My table may look very different than your table, but I believe, that if we took the time, we could find ways to add another leaf or two and join our tables together. Individual community is built when like-minded and like focused people come together and are intentional about doing life together. Larger community is encouraged when individual communities intersect and begin to understand the value of building larger tables, rather than excluding others because of lack of room.
What I Know
There is a table out there that you fit at! A table where there is a seat with your name on it and an appreciation of what you have to contribute. The mind-shift in this season is not so much about whether or not there is a table, but rather, whether or not you need to build that table. Take a close look at yourself. Are you struggling with identity issues? Do you know who you are? Are you confident in what you have to offer? If not, you need to take some time to do that work. Dragging your own chair to table after table will not be of any benefit until you have committed to growing in that area.
Once that work is in progress, step out and start building tables. We all need community and the more tables we set up the more opportunities there are for joining and expanding the space at the table.
Until Next Time
Well, it is that time again! My cup is empty and it is time to go. I’m so happy you accepted my invitation to sit at this table for a little while. You are welcome here anytime! Drop some comments in the comment box below. I would love to hear your experiences about sitting at tables and about table building!
If you are interested in more Devotional reading, head over to my Facebook Page where you will find a Weekly Devotion early every Monday morning. Click here to go directly to Weekly Devotions with Laurie.
Until next time,
From my heart to yours!
Laurie
