Moments Archives - Laurie Hopkins

November 23 2024

Year of Jubilee – This is your Release!

And you shall consecrate the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout all the land to all its inhabitants. It shall be a Jubilee for you; and each of you shall return to his possession, and each of you shall return to his family.

Leviticus 25:10

But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.

Isaiah 42:1-2

It has been a very long time since I shared on this blog. Not that I didn’t want to or didn’t sit and try to pen words; I did, quite a few times. The words didn’t come easily though. This has been a season of processing and living the lessons, rather than putting them on paper and posting them for the world to see. Quite some time ago, I promised that this blog spot would be a place to share when I felt the need to share – not just for the sake of posting- and this has been a season when the sharing has been on hold.

This morning, as I had breakfast and drank my coffee (yes, it was coffee morning rather than a tea morning), I felt the release to write. So here I sit, pen and paper in hand, Christmas lights on in the window, and time to share the things the Lord has put on my heart.

This year I turned 50 – a milestone birthday – a cause for celebration and reflection. Early in the year, as I thought about my upcoming day, I was reminded that in the Bible, the 50^th year was a year of Jubilee. A year to give back the things that were taken. A year to receive release and restoration. From time to time this would come to mind as I anticipated my 50^th birthday celebration.

One morning, after my birthday celebrations with family and friends, as I was praying, I reminded God that this was my year of jubilee. I asked him for the release. The release from the fatigue and responsibility of caregiving, from the weight of the physical and emotional strain. The release from a lifetime of working for healing in my life. At the time, I thought it quite a clever prayer. How could God say no to my request?

I sat in the quiet for some time, but the answer did not come that morning. Quite honestly, I didn’t think of it again for a few days. One night, late, after a particularly gruelling day, as I lay awake long after I should have been asleep, the thought of Jubilee came to mind. At that moment, out of the stillness of the darkness, there was a soft reply, “This is your release.”

Hummmm, I should have known the answer I was waiting for would require some thought on my part. “This is your release” – What is my release? This being awake at 2 am? This full-time caregiving? This inability to work or even get out of the house most days? This constant question of “Am I doing this right”? This soul-searching, gut-wrenching work of healing body, soul and mind? These non-stop days? The cat who gets needier by the moment and loves to scream until he gets what he wants? The isolation? The sense that nothing actually makes sense? The roles of Nurse, wife, chief cook and bottle washer, and entertainment director?

Though these questions sound like they may have come from a bitter spirit, they did not. As I stayed very still in the dark and whispered over and over again, “This is my release”, these questions came out softly, like those sheep you should count at night, jumping over a fence. “What is my release?” – as I ran through a list of the current days, sorting one by one – “Do you mean this, or perhaps this, or maybe even this?” Holding each thought gently in my hands and lifting them towards the heavens for the Lord to inspect.

There was no answer that night, but I did slowly drift off to sleep.

Since that night, many months ago, I have, from time to time, run the question through my mind, over my tongue and through my fingers – “this is my release.” One day I even spoke it out loud with an emphasis on the different words – just to feel it out.

“THIS is my release”

“This IS my release”

“This is MY release”

“This is my RELEASE”

Other than making me smile in the process, I didn’t learn anything new in using this technique.

This morning, as I marvelled at the fact that it is already close to the end of November and the year is drawing to a close, I thought about this 50th year. “This is your release.”

I understood that today I have been released to reflect and to share because I have allowed myself many months to live the release first.

I immediately wondered – how would I be able to express the living out of this year of Jubilee, this release that won’t be tamed into mere words on a page?

I began to ask God – “What is my release”? As I sat very still and whispered over and over again, “What is my release”, these questions came out softly, once again, like those sheep you should count at night jumping over a fence. “What is my release?” – as I ran through a list of the current days, sorting one by one – “Do you mean this, or perhaps this, or maybe even this?” Holding each thought gently in my hands and lifting them towards the heavens for the Lord to inspect.

Is it that I have learned:

That food tastes so much better, not when it is take-out, expensive, or fancy, but rather when it is simple, eaten slowly and enjoyed – when I have taken the time to think about what I like to eat, I make it colourful, and I feed myself when I am hungry- when it is no longer a line to check off my to-do list – when I am intentional about enjoying the planning, the cooking and then the food itself.
That sleep is a gift, rather than just a requirement for functioning the next day – that laying quietly and resting is sometimes as good as a full sleep – that afternoon naps on rainy days are to be enjoyed, not used to induce unnecessary guilt – that a cat nap may mean a 15-minute nap or just resting in the recliner, eyes closed, with a cat laying on top of you – that squeezing in my husband’s hospital bed beside him in the middle of the day, counts as a rest and is often more important than housework -that for me, sleepless nights sometimes are an indicator that I haven’t had a good and honest chat with God lately – and that I can and should take the time to wrap all my worries, concerns, and heavy lifting in a nice little package, put a bow on it and hand it over to Jesus before I even attempt to close my eyes at night.
That Christmas lights can go up in all my windows in late October because they are pretty and make me smile – and I don’t need to worry about who is looking or what they are thinking – there are no rules about choosing the things that are lifegiving in a dark and wet season (in real-time or figuratively).
That, one benefit to this current “dark and rainy” fall season in New Brunswick, is that I can leave my Christmas lights on all day and night and enjoy them.
That exercise feels good when you don’t actually feel like it; or when you are doing it because you are prioritizing your health in this season rather than because someone said you should be exercising; when you know you are worth the half hour a day; when you learn that a walk in the woods is more restorative than a full nights sleep; when you begin to see the difference in your mood, body and thinking.
That you can wear your “comfy clothes” (including pj’s) all the time, whether you have company in the house or not – that there are days when you will want to “dress up” even though you are not leaving the house, and that there is something wonderful about catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and thinking “oh wow, I am having a cute day!”
That productivity purely for the sake of producing is overrated and unhealthy – that there is no shame in a to-do list having the same items listed for many days in a row without ever getting checked off – that your purpose will look different in each season – that full-time caregiving at home is just as important and satisfying as working as a professional caregiver outside the home – that every skill I am using in this season will be transferrable to work God has for me in other seasons -that nothing is a waste.
That, every one of us has incorporated lies about who we are, who we are supposed to be and who we are going to be, into the foundation of our lives – that it is not only important but a must, to identify and dismantle those lies about ourselves, our friends and family, strangers, God, the world and how things work – so we can reinforce our foundations with truth and find healing for ourselves, others and the world.
That, having a good laugh (or a good cry) can change your perspective on just about any situation.
That yard work, dirt, planting seeds, watching things grow, pushing your body to be outside doing easy things or hard things, and enjoying the fruit of our labour, also plants the seeds of joy and gratitude deep in our hearts and souls.
That an evening of sappy Netflix Christmas movies (even if I figured out the whole storyline in the first 2 minutes) and crocheting is good for a rest, a bit of a cry, a few smiles, perspective, and quality time with the cat
That, the care, compassion, empathy, love, intimacy and connection that has been available to me in this season of darkness, loss, grief, and difficult demands, are gifts I could not have experienced apart from these things I would never have chosen for myself.
That the year of Jubilee would require me to give away things I was holding on to that I no longer required
That the release I asked for and the release God spoke of, would not mean avoiding the fire or the flood but learning to walk through holding the hand of the very one who promised me I would see the other side.
That the release would not mean avoiding the dark but learning to shine despite the dark
That there are levels of joy and peace and healing that I could never have experienced apart from the valley of the shadow of death.

This is your release.

This 50^th year is my year to give back the things I choose to carry, that were never really mine, were built on lies or no longer serve me. This 50^th year is my year to receive the release and restoration God has for me. This 50^th is my year to pass through rather than stay stuck in. I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death without fear because He is with me.

THIS is your release!

This is MY release!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me.

Psalm 23:4

Category: Life, Moments | 2 Comments

December 29 2023

A Cup of Tea, A Pen and Some Paper

A Cup of Tea, A Pen and Some Paper

Another day, another week, another year –

how the time adds up, moves quickly and passes;

and yet, moves in slow motion.

Here we are again, just ahead,

another December 31^st to reflect on and

another January 1^st to look ahead from –

activities generally looked upon with great anticipation.

Yet, in this moment, I find myself,

a bit weary of reflecting

and unsure of looking ahead.

Here I sit, post Christmas lights and gifts and food

quiet

settled

a to-do list to my left

untouched for days

a hot cup of tea

a pen and paper.

How to explain

A year of waiting –

waiting to hear, waiting to know, waiting to understand, waiting for improvement, waiting for recovery, waiting for life to resume – to return to normal or a new normal or some sort of balance-

waiting on the Lord.

A year of watching-

watching for results, watching for appointments and surgery, watching beside the hospital bed, watching beside the bed at home-

watching the Lord at work.

A year of stillness and silence –

piece by piece the activities of life shut down

until all is silent-

new activity replaces-

but it is still and silent as well.

Then the withdrawal – the stillness, the silence

the pressure to fill them-

activity, doing, planning, organizing

when physically impossible or unnecessary,

the mind takes over –

filling the gap-

satisfying the craving to produce-

fortifying the lie that tells us

we must

move, do, plan, organize, produce

to exist, be seen, be heard, be loved

by others, ourselves and by God Himself.

In time,

the mind follows the physical body

in the waiting, watching, stillness and silence.

It feels less jittery, jumpy and unsettled

It sits in front of the Christmas tree and watches the lights.

It lingers over a hot cup of something, doodles on a blank piece of paper,

strings a few words together-

trying to explain its current position.

It walks in the woods and chooses to look and see, to hear and smell and feel,

rather than composing lists of things to accomplish.

It prepares food – intentionally – eats slowly and discovers

what it does and does not like.

It closes its eyes at night and chooses

to leave it all in God’s Hands.

It wakes up in the morning and lingers for a few moments-

asking God – what shall we do today?

It stops scrolling endlessly and aimlessly,

leaves the phone in another room

doesn’t listen for the ring or the buzzing and dinging,

and doesn’t worry about missing out.

It gives the physical body permission to

wait and watch –

sits in the stillness and silence-

in peace.

As the body and mind come into synch

the spirit quickens.

The waiting, watching, stillness and silence

open up new possibilities

to be in His presence-

to hear Him speak –

in the softest whisper-

to feel the lightest touch –

to see Him in the smallest details.

To know the joy of this moment –

Because He is

right here –

right now.

Another day, another week, another year –

how the time adds up, moves quickly and passes;

and yet, moves in slow motion.

Here we are again, just ahead,

another December 31^st to reflect on and

another January 1^st to look ahead from –

activities generally looked upon with great anticipation.

Yet,

in this moment,

this year,

this season….

waiting and watching

in the stillness and silence,

I choose to sit, post Christmas lights and gifts and food

quiet

settled

a to-do list to my left

untouched for days

a hot cup of tea

and pen and paper-

doodling and stringing a few words together,

to share (rather than explain) our current

position.

And He is here with me

His presence evident

in the present moment.

I trust He will lead us in reflection in the coming days

I trust He will show us the path forward for the coming year-

in big picture or in day-to-day snippets.

I need not

do, move, produce.

I can be-

just who I am,

who I was created to be,

here, in this very moment.

In this moment-

I exist-

I am seen, heard and loved.

And that is enough –

more than enough.

I set my pen down and head to the kitchen

for some hot tea-

the lights in my window

catch my eye –

I smile.

Category: Life, Moments, Nature, New Beginnings | 10 Comments

August 23 2023

What I Didn’t Know About Surrender

“Nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.” Matthew 26:39

It is late in the evening, as I sit here and write. The days are noticeably shorter, so it is already very dark outside on this evening in August. I don’t know about you, but I find that although the days move slowly, they accumulate quickly, therefore time moves slowly but passes quickly all at the same time. I don’t know that this statement even makes sense, but it is my current experience.

I was able to slip away to the beach for a few hours a week or so ago. It was there, as I sat on the sand and listened to the waves, that the Lord spoke to me about surrender. He has been speaking to me for quite some time, in bits and pieces. Reminding me He has a plan for me – inviting me to come to Him and rest – asking me if I am tired, yet, of always trying to be in control. Helping me to understand, day by day, a little at a time, what surrender really looks like in my everyday life. But this day, on the beach, He summed it up for me.

I was so deep in thought, listening so carefully to what God was placing in my heart, that the older gentleman who was walking on the beach, shifted the trajectory of his walk in my direction, to pause right in front of me. I looked up at him and he smiled kindly and asked me, in French, if I was meditating. Although I caught it, even in another language, he repeated it slowly in English for me. He didn’t wait for my answer- he just swept his hand out toward the ocean in a large arc, and said – “This, this is good for the soul – good for the spirit”. With one more smile, he nodded his head and continued on his journey.

As he went on his way, I looked out at the ocean and heard God say, “Tell me what you didn’t know about surrender.”

I smiled. That was clever. He didn’t ask what I knew or thought I knew – He asked me what I now know that I didn’t know before. It’s a nice way of telling me I didn’t know all that I thought I knew. Also, a reminder that He has led me through a path in the last weeks, that has allowed me to learn what I needed to learn to respond in surrender.

How do you understand surrender? What comes to your mind? How does the thought of it make you feel? Honestly.

I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I saw surrender as being beaten down, defeated, not able to win, and so standing up (hesitantly and fearfully, with great regret) and waving a little white flag that signalled that I was done, giving up, and ready to submit to a life of hard labour for the other; an “other” who did not have a good plan for me.

Sounds like something from a movie, doesn’t it?

And perhaps, that is the way of surrender in the movies. Or maybe even life in this world.

But, as Christians, although we are in the world, we are not of the world. Therefore, how we understand things must be based on the truth God shows us, rather than what we see around us. Often that truth looks a bit “upside down”.

I am continuously amazed at the patience God has in showing me His truth, day after day. Helping me to see the world, myself and Him, through His eyes; changing my perspective, that lens I have developed over the years through which I see and understand things.

And I never know exactly how He is going to change that perspective. So, as I sat on the beach, I began listing the things I hadn’t understood about surrender:

Surrender is active, not passive – it requires intentionality- you must choose to surrender, it doesn’t just happen to you
Surrender takes strength- it is not weakness
Surrender takes courage – it is not for the faint of heart
Surrender brings relief not regret
Surrender helps you to feel more in control not less – more in control of the parts of your life you are actually in control of (like choosing to surrender)
Surrender causes things to happen – it does not hinder things from happening or cause them to stall
Surrender is more than acknowledging you are not in control – it is two-prong * choosing to let go of the control & *choosing to trust that He has a good plan for me
Surrender does not lead to captivity- but to freedom
2 Corinthians 3:17 “Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty {freedom}.”
Surrender does not lead to fearfulness or uncertainty -but to peace
John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
Surrender does not lead to labour for an “other” – but to rest in Him
Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
Surrender is not a one-time thing- it is a daily choice
Surrender is hard – it can be easy
Surrender is easy – it can be hard

He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.” Matthew 26:39

Again, a second time, He went away and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if this cup cannot pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done.” Matthew 26:42

God showed me an interesting thing. When Jesus was praying in the garden of Gethsemane, He asked God if this “cup” could pass from Him- nevertheless, He surrendered to God’s plan. That was in verse 39. Then, a few verses later, after His disciples fell asleep on Him when they were supposed to be praying with Him, in verse 42, He prayed a second time, “if this cup cannot pass away from Me……” – almost like He was asking again.

There will be times, when you surrender, then ask again, “God does it have to be this way?” That is OK. God knows us, what we are made of, and how many times we will ask for things to be different, before we surrender and after we surrender and before we choose to surrender daily. He is a gracious and loving Father.

Has God been talking to you about surrender?

Where are you at with that?

Is He still reminding you that He has a plan for you? Inviting you to come to Him and rest? Asking you if you are tired, yet, of always trying to be in control. Is he still helping you to understand, day by day, a little at a time, what surrender really looks like in your everyday life. Or is He sitting with you at the beach, summing it up for you and asking you, “Tell me what you didn’t know about surrender?”

Wherever you find yourself on this journey – know that He is faithful, He sees you just as you are, He knows exactly what He has for you and He LOVES you so very much.

Life doesn’t always look the way we thought it would and we often are pretty sure we could come up with a better plan given half the chance.

However, in the midst of all that, I am choosing, today, tomorrow, and the next day to not only acknowledge that I am not in control and to give up my need to feel as if I am in control, but to also trust that God has a good plan for me.

Today I say: “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.” – AND “O My Father, if this cup cannot pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done.”

What will you choose to do?

Category: Life, Moments, Nature | 3 Comments